Make yourself as safe as you can
Many people experiencing domestic violence say they don't want to leave their home or their relationship; they just want the violence to stop. For others a lack of finances, wanting to maintain access to children or limited outside support may mean they feel they can't leave. If you are staying in the relationship try to make yourself as safe as you can.
Think about and identify some of the ways you have coped until now and work out how you might use those strategies in the future. You understand your situation better than anyone else so use that knowledge to help minimise the risks to yourself.
Find out about your options, and who can help you, even if you don't want to use them yet. Knowing what you can do and how to do it can help you to feel more in control of your situation and your safety.
If you do decide to stay in the house it's important to remember that once violence begins it is likely to get worse over time.
Planning ahead - making a crisis plan
If you are experiencing any form of domestic abuse/violence you might consider making a crisis plan. A crisis plan can set out what you could do under certain circumstances to help reduce the risk of emotional or physical injury to yourself (and your children). Your crisis plan can include strategies for reducing risk to yourself while living with your partner or it may outline how you could get away. You can make a crisis plan on your own or speak with a trusted friend, or a counsellor.
If you write your crisis plan down ensure you hide it so that your partner can't find it. You could leave it at a friend or family member's house or with a support service. You might just think about and memorise the details of your plan.
When developing your crisis plan think about the times your partner is most likely to be violent or abusive and how s/he acts during these times so you can develop strategies that best suit your needs.
If you are experiencing domestic violence you should constantly remind yourself that it's not your fault and the abuse isn't your responsibility.
Living with an abusive partner
If you are living with an abusive partner there are a number of things you can try to reduce the risk of injury to yourself (and your children):
- Plan and practice (with your children) how you might escape from the house.
- Where possible, keep weapons and knives locked up or inaccessible (eg removing knife-blocks from kitchen benches).
- Let trusted friends, family or neighbours know about the abuse and let them know about your crisis plan.
- Develop a code word or signal for friends, children or neighbours to call the police.
- Teach your children that their responsibility during an incident is to stay safe - not to rescue you.
- Program the police or a friend's number into the speed dial on your phone.
- Keep essential items like money, keys and identification you can access them quickly.
- Plan where you will go and how you will get there in case you need to leave in a hurry.
- If possible keep a record of any physical abuse, eg photos, maybe at your doctors or a friends.
During a violent incident
- Try to stay away from, or leave, the kitchen or other rooms with potential weapons.
- Try to stay out of rooms without exits like the bathroom or closets.
- Press the emergency speed dial number or call out your code word.
- Depending upon your capacity to do so, defend yourself.
- Trust your instincts.
Planning to leave
- Put aside some money for travel expenses, accommodation, food etc.
- Collect all your forms of identification together, including Medicare card, drivers licence, Centrelink details, Tax File Number etc.
- Make copies of important documents eg car rego, title deeds, loan records, etc.
- Hide a bag (maybe at family/friend's place) with clothes and other essential personal items.
- Pack important possessions, eg photos and keepsakes.
- Take small sellable items like watches, jewellery and things that are small and of value
- If you have children, take clothes, medical records, bottles and some of their favourite toys.
"I played along being as nice to him as I could. And saying nothing. I secretly did extra work and saved enough money to move out." KENT, 35.
After leaving the relationship
The period after leaving an abusive relationship can be especially dangerous. To reduce this risk you could:
- Apply for an VRO. Follow this link for further information.
- If you have an VRO carry it with you at all times and give a copy of it and a photo of your partner to your children's school.
- Redirect your mail and/or get a post office box.
- Be careful who you give your new address or phone number to and get a 'silent' number.
- Where ever possible, change your regular patterns of movement eg travel to and from work by a different route, buy your groceries at a different shop, change the time and maybe location of regular appointments, maybe move your children to a new day care centre or school.
- Ensure where you are staying is as safe as possible, eg security doors, lockable windows, motion-sensitive external lights etc.
- Let important people know about your situation, eg your boss and other work colleagues or your children's teachers, so they know not to give out your details or can screen your calls etc.
- Be aware that some people, who you thought you could trust, may collude with your former partner. They may say things like you are at fault or to blame or even suggest that you return to your former partner. Anyone suggesting this is not acting in your (or your children's) best interest. And ending contact with them during this dangerous time should be seriously considered.
- Continue to seek support from professionals.
(Source ACON)
